Funnies - Rated "G"

[Rowan MacD]

Two Scottish nuns have just arrived in the USA by boat and one says to the other, "I hear that the people in this country actually eat dogs."

"That's odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do."

Nodding emphatically, the mother superior points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk towards the cart. "Two dogs, please," says one.

The vendor is pleased to oblige, wraps both hot dogs in foil, and hands them over the counter. Excitedly, the nuns hurry to a bench and begin to un-wrap their 'dogs'.

The mother superior begins to blush and, then, staring at it for a moment, leans to the other nun and whispers cautiously, "What part did you get...?"

[Merlin the Elder]

ROFL!  I gotta share that one...

[KeeperoftheBar]

In a criminal justice system based on 12 individuals not smart enough to get out of jury duty, here is a jury to be proud of: A defendant was on trial for murder. There was strong evidence indicating guilt, but there was no corpse.

In the defenses' closing statement, the lawyer, knowing that his client would probably be convicted, resorted to a trick. "Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all," the lawyer said as he looked at his watch. "Within one minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom." He looked toward the courtroom door. The jurors, somewhat stunned, all looked on eagerly.

A minute passed. Nothing happened.

Finally the lawyer said, "Actually, I made up the previous statement. But you all looked on with anticipation. I, therefore, put it to you that you have a reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed, and I insist that you return a verdict of not guilty." The jury retired to deliberate. A few minutes later, the jury returned and pronounced a verdict of guilty.

"But how?" inquired the lawyer. "You must have had some doubt; I saw all of you stare at the door."

The jury foreman replied: "Yes, we did look, but your client didn't."

[RenStarr]

One day at primary school, the teacher said to the class of 5-year-olds, "I'll give 50 cents to the child who can tell me who was the most famous man who ever lived."

An Irish lad put his hand up and said, "It's Bono!"

The teacher said, "Sorry, Sean, that's not correct."

Then a Scottish boy put up his hand and said, "It's Sean Connery!"

The teacher replied, "I'm sorry, Harry, that's not right either."

Finally, a little Jewish girl raised her hand and said, "It was Jesus Christ."

The teacher said, "That's absolutely right, Esther. Come up here and I'll give you your 50 cents.

As the teacher was giving Esther her money, she said, "You know Esther, you being Jewish, I was very surprised you said Jesus Christ."

Esther replied, "I know- in my heart it's Moses, but business is business."

[dbaldock]

Here's one from my cousin -

===
I thought you would want to know about this e-mail virus. Even the most advanced programs from Norton or McAfee cannot take care of this one.

It primarily affects those who were born too far in the past. Symptoms:

1.) Causes you to send the same e-mail twice. Done that!

2.) Causes you to send a blank e-mail! That too!

3.) Causes you to send e-mail to the wrong person. Yep!

4.) Causes you to send it back to the person who sent it to you. Aha!

5.) Causes you to forget to attach the attachment. Well darn!

6.) Causes you to hit "SEND" before you've finished. Oh, no not again!

7.) Causes you to hit "DELETE" instead of "SEND." And I just hate that!

8.) Causes you to hit "SEND" when you meant to hit "DELETE." Whoops!


IT'S CALLED THE "C-NILE VIRUS."

Have I already sent this to you? Or did you send it to me?
===

[dbaldock]

My cousin, who lives in Mississippi, posted this:

===
Big Bubba went to Mississippi State University on a football scholarship. He was a great running back, but a really poor student. Come graduation day, Bubba didn't have enough credits. But he was a great football star, and the students held a huge rally and demanded that the dean give him a diploma anyway.

The MSU student body was so very insistent, that the dean agreed if Bubba could answer one question correctly, he would go ahead and give him a diploma.

The one question test was held in the auditorium and the students packed the place. It was a standing room only event. The dean was on the stage and told Bubba to come on up. The dean had the diploma in his hand and said, "Bubba, if you can answer this question correctly, I'll give you your graduation diploma."

Bubba said he was ready and the dean asked him the question. "Bubba," he said, "how much is three times seven?"

Bubba looked up at the ceiling and the down at his shoes, just pondering the question. The students began chanting "Graduate him anyway! Graduate him anyway!"

Then Bubba held up his hand and the auditorium became dead silent. Bubba said, "I think I know the answer. Three times seven is twenty-one."

A hush fell over the auditorium and then the students began another chant:

"Give him another chance! Give him another chance!"
===

[Merlin the Elder]

Make that the University of Arkansas, and I'll believe it.

[Malcolm]

I heard this happened at Texas A & M. "Go, Aggies!"

[dbaldock]

Another Cajun story from my cousin -

===
Boudreaux goes to a local carpenter in his hometown and asks the carpenter if he could build a box two inches wide, by two inches high, by 50 feet long.

The carpenter, slightly confused by the request, says he could do it, but out of curiosity, he asks what in the world the box would be used for.

Boudreaux says "Nothing really important cher. You see, my neighbor moved about a week ago him, and he forgot a couple of tings. He asked if I could mail him his garden hose."
===

[RenStarr]

Three Sisters

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Three sisters, ages 92, 94, and 96, live in a house together. One night the 96-year-old draws a bath. She puts one foot in a pauses. She yells down the stairs, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?"

The 94-year-old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see." She starts up the stairs and pauses. Then she yells out, "Was I going up the stairs or down?"

The 92-year-old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea and listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful." She knocks on wood for good measure. She then replies, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."

[RenStarr]

The Irish Furniture Dealer

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?The Irish Furniture Dealer


Murphy, ? ?a furniture dealer from Dublin, decided to expand the line of furniture in his store, so he decided to go to Paris to see what he could find ?.? After arriving in Paris, he visited with some manufacturers and selected a line that he thought would sell well back home.

To celebrate the new acquisition, he decided to visit a small bistro and have a glass of wine. ? ?As he sat enjoying his wine, he noticed that the small place was quite crowded, and that the other chair at his table was the only vacant seat in the house. ? ?Before long, a very beautiful young Parisian girl came to his ta ? ble ? asked him something in French (which Murphy could not understand), so he motioned to the vacant chair and invited her to sit down ?. ? He tried to speak to her in English, but she did not speak his language. ? ?After a couple of minutes of trying to communicate with her, he took a napkin and drew a picture of a wine glass and showed it to her. ? ?She nodded, so he ordered a glass ? ?of wine for ? her. ?

After sitting together at the table for a while, he took another napkin, ?? drew a picture of a plate with food on it, and ? ?she nodded.
They left the bistro and found a quiet cafe that featured a small group playing romantic ? music. ??They ordered dinner, after which he took another napkin and drew a picture of ? ?a couple danc ing. She ? ?nodded, and they got up to dance. They danced until the cafe closed and ? ?the band was packing up.
Back at their table, ? ?the young ? ?lady took a napkin and drew a picture of a ? ?four-poster bed.

To ? ?this day, Murphy has no idea how she figured out he was in the furniture business ?.?

[Merlin the Elder]

I didn't know that you knew any clean jokes, RenStarr! I'll be sharing your offerings...

[RenStarr]

Merlin, even a blind dog finds a "clean" bone from time to time.  Seems like most of the jokes found on the net that get passed around are of the "dirty" variety.  Take care..........

[RenStarr]

Blonde's Password

A company decided to do an audit of its employee passwords.
All was going well until they came upon this password:

MickeyMinnieHuewyDewyGoofyPlutoDonaldDaisySacramento

Surprised to find an employee using such a long password, the boss asked the blonde woman why her password was so long.

She rolled her eyes and answered:

It said my password must be at least 8 characters long and one capital.

[arbcoind]

Ha ha!